What Lives Beneath Control

Recently, in one of my articles, I mentioned that I had started working on my inner self — on self-development, on confronting my fears, and untangling negative psychological patterns. What surfaced was far more than I expected. I’ve always been so used to being in control, to suppressing any fear or doubt, that I didn’t even notice how deeply I had buried them within myself. But they never disappeared. They stayed with me, quietly existing somewhere in the depths of my subconscious. And I realized something else — letting go of them is not easy.

At one point, I even considered going to a psychotherapist. It’s not something I’m used to. I’ve never really done therapy before. Yes, I’ve taken antidepressants prescribed by a psychiatrist, but I’ve never gone through psychotherapy itself. I’ve always handled things on my own. I’ve worked through so much by myself. And I thought — maybe I can do it again. Maybe if I put everything into words, onto paper, it will help.

So I decided to talk about my fears. Which is not easy — because for a long time, I was afraid to even admit them to myself. But I want to free myself from them. And I hope this will help. Most of my fears revolve around just two areas: career/money and personal life. If acknowledging my fears related to career and finances was relatively easy, personal life is a completely different story. I didn’t just push it into the background — I hid it in a dark corner of a locked basement.

When it comes to my career, the fears are obvious: the fear of never building a successful career, of never becoming recognized, the fear that I started too late, that I won’t break through the competition and will remain unseen, the fear that I’m simply not talented enough, the fear that my past profession may stand in the way of building the career I want.

Then there is money — the fear of not earning enough to pay my bills, of ending up without work again and not knowing where to find income, the fear that one day I won’t be able to sustain the life I’ve taken on, with all of its expensive expectations. I spend a lot — on comfort, on beautiful things, on travel — because I want to live here and now, not postpone life for later… because later might never come. And there is also the fear of never becoming truly wealthy.

Now, about my personal life. This is where things become more complicated — and yes, it inevitably overlaps with the financial side. The biggest and most fundamental fear here is the fear of falling blindly in love — of putting on rose-colored glasses. The fear of becoming dependent on a partner, whether emotionally or financially. The fear of trusting — and this one extends far beyond romantic relationships; it applies to people in general. The fear of being cheated on, of not being enough, and of not having the strength to leave. The fear of experiencing that unbearable pain again and falling into a deep depression.

The fear of repeating past mistakes and finding myself once again in relationships that slowly destroy me. The fear of having a partner who either holds me back or treats my career as something insignificant, instead of supporting me. The fear of losing myself in a relationship again. The fear of not being valued.

All of these fears come from past experiences that I chose not to go into here. But writing them down means acknowledging them, and acknowledging them means I am already one step closer to letting them go. Releasing fear is essential — it’s what allows us to grow, to evolve, and to keep moving forward.