How Many Times Do I Have to Lose Myself?

How many more times do I have to lose myself to finally find who I truly am?

How many times do I need to adjust the direction of my path?

How many more turns must I take to discover where I’m actually meant to go?

When I stop understanding what to do, I let go of control and simply observe where the universe takes me. Because it knows better than I do where I’m supposed to go.

Lately—if I focus purely on how it feels—it’s been like I was pushing and pushing, trying to force this reality into shape through brute force instead of awareness. It felt like trying to break through a wall… instead of realizing that maybe the point isn’t to break it at all.

Because the truth is, if you stop those pointless efforts, take a step back, and actually look around—you might notice a door just a few steps away. A door you can simply open and walk through into the reality you’ve been trying so hard to reach.

And to open it, all you really need is to let go of control. To trust the universe. To trust your intuition. To move calmly, deliberately—without trying to force things before their time.

That’s what I did. I released the pressure and adjusted my path—just slightly. I slowed down and allowed life to unfold on its own terms. And with my “angelic patience”, it’s not easy. I want everything at once. Here and now. But that’s not how life works.

I was overloaded. I was trying to do everything at the same time: find a modeling agency, submit to castings, run social media, maintain a blog—write, film videos—and finish a book. And in the end, I didn’t have the energy to truly complete anything.

So now I’ve chosen to focus. On my blog. On my social platforms. On finishing my book. And also—to make space for something personal. Not to shut myself off from the world completely. It’s incredibly difficult for me to allow myself to feel. I’m afraid of falling in love again—of being hurt again. But I think it’s time to face this fear too… just like I’ve faced all the others.

Because if I don’t take the risk, I’ll never know what could have been.