I Almost Went Back to the Life I’d Outgrown

I’m not coming back to the club after all.

I’m learning to trust the universe, the Creator, God, whatever you call it. I thought I already did, but it turns out I just felt safe because I had money in the bank. When that money started running out, I panicked so badly I barely slept one night.

I even texted the manager to ask if I could come back. He never gave me a definite yes. He said we needed to talk about my sales before he put me back on the schedule, but he didn’t say when or how we’d talk. I told him I knew my sales were an issue and that I’d fix it. He didn’t reply. When it came time to make the schedule for the following week, I still hadn’t heard from him. That job isn’t for me anymore. Everything around me knows it, and so do I. It feels like even the universe is trying to keep me from going back.

Then I calmed down and thought it all through again. My sister and tarot helped me a lot with that. I realized there was no going back. I wouldn’t earn the kind of money I made when I first started at the club. I’d be right back where I was at the end, when I’d stopped making money there.

I just need to see this through and put my faith in a plan I can’t see. The universe knows better than I do. It knows the best and simplest way forward.

I’ve done everything I can. I’ve sent out a ton of applications and spent a long time working on myself. Now comes the hardest part. I have to believe, truly believe, that it’ll all work out. I want that belief to reach even the deepest corners of my subconscious, until there’s no doubt left.

“According to your faith let it be done to you.”— Matthew 9:29 (NIV)

If you still doubt that we create our own reality, here’s an example of how quickly the world around us responds to what’s going on inside us.

When I panicked, the anxiety was awful. It felt like everything was falling apart and nothing was going right. I went to the store for something sweet because sweets calm me down. I bought a tub of ice cream and took it back to my hotel room. I was still on vacation. When I lifted the lid, I realized someone had already opened it. It looked like they’d stuck a finger in and scraped a little out along the edge. Every little thing went wrong. The world around me was reflecting exactly how I felt.

I slept so badly that night it felt like I hadn’t slept at all. In the morning, I talked to my sister and calmed down. I felt like myself again, and the world around me responded right away.

That same evening, I went to a bar and ordered a tonic water. I sat there for a bit, and when I tried to pay, the bartender just waved me off. It was on the house.

The next morning, I went to get breakfast. The woman taking my order asked if I wanted it for here or to go. I said for here. She asked the same thing about my coffee, and I said for here again. A second later I thought, Damn, I should’ve asked for the coffee to go. I still have sweets in my room. Oh well. I didn’t say anything, but when my coffee came, it was in a to-go cup. Exactly how I wanted it.

After that, try telling me we don’t create our own reality.