Somewhere Between Endings and Beginnings

It’s been a long time since I last wrote. The truth is, I’m going through a very difficult chapter of my life, one that began back in May. Everything familiar started falling apart, one thing after another. My comfort zone was destroyed, and I started changing, working on myself, taking myself apart and putting myself back together. Everything I’d known, everything I was used to, everything that had always worked for me suddenly stopped working. And brick by brick, my reality began to crumble. Now all that’s left is ruins, and I have to build an entirely new life on top of them.

The constant changes within me and around me have left me in a state of apathy. I’ve been like this for over a week now. I’m just existing. And as much as I want to break out of it as quickly as possible, I know I need to give myself time—time to process all of this, emotionally and physically. Only then will I truly be able to move forward.

I’m hoping the vacation I planned for my birthday will help. I’ll get away, have a change of scenery, clear my head, and come back with fresh energy to keep going.

I’ve done so much, taken so many steps to get myself out of the place where I’d been stuck. The biggest step was leaving the club. Just the thought of going back terrified me so much that I felt I’d rather die. And that wasn’t just about the club—it was about any job I hated. I know I’ve mentioned this before. But what I want to add is that, after a while, I got tired of fighting. The thought of going back to the club stopped scaring me, and eventually I found myself thinking, “Whatever happens, happens.”

And unless a miracle happens in the next week, I know perfectly well that I’ll have to go back to working at the club when I return from vacation. But it won’t be the step backward it once seemed to be. It’ll just be a step to the side.

I’m not giving up. I’ll keep looking for modeling and acting representation and a publisher for my book. The club is simply a way to make money, and if I do have to go back, this time I’ll do my best to keep as much emotional distance from it as possible.

But I hope I won’t have to. I still believe in miracles. I’ve made it this far, and I’m determined to go so much further.