The Breaking Point

Do you know that feeling when everything in your life seems fine, but you don’t truly feel it — as if something is missing? As if the world is pressing in on you, closing around you, making it hard to breathe.

For the past few days, I’ve been overwhelmed with anxiety — endless streams of thoughts that I couldn’t stop, an emotional overload that felt unbearable. On Friday, before leaving for work, I was crying and couldn’t stop. Not because something happened — nothing did. I don’t even know why. It felt like all the emotions I keep hidden, buried deep inside, had been building up day after day, growing heavier and heavier, until they finally needed a way out — all that tension, anxiety, stress, suppressed anger, even hatred.

People always see me as calm and composed, even when there’s a storm inside me — a force powerful enough to tear everything apart. I don’t like showing my emotions; I see it as a form of weakness. I don’t know if that’s right or wrong, but that’s who I am. And if I ever lash out at someone, it means they’ve pushed me too far — and not just once, but repeatedly. I don’t like conflict, but I also won’t tolerate being disrespected.

Lately, it feels like too much has been piling up on me. The space around me is shrinking, and I feel completely alone. There’s no one I can turn to for real support. Not that I necessarily need it, but it would be nice to have someone I could rely on — someone I could fully trust.

The job I hate at the club is weighing on me from one side, and the upcoming move from the other. I’ve submitted applications to twenty modeling agencies — two have already rejected me, and the others haven’t responded. Maybe it’s too soon, or maybe silence is just another form of rejection. That feeling of helplessness is suffocating. I wish at least one agency would notice me — see me for the model I know I am, with real experience.

The approaching move only adds to the anxiety. No one wants to sign a lease this early, and there’s barely any time left to find a place. Waiting for the moment when I can finally start searching is exhausting. Meanwhile, living in this small apartment is becoming more unbearable with each passing day — the people behind the walls, the lack of space. I don’t feel free here. I’m counting the days until I leave.

I don’t take antidepressants. I don’t go to therapy. I deal with this on my own. The only thing I’ve recently started taking again is 5-HTP — it helps stabilize my mood, quiet the anxiety, and soften that constant noise of intrusive thoughts. I don’t want to rely on stronger medication unless it’s absolutely necessary.

The other day, I realized something else: I’ve gone so deep into self-development and spirituality that I’ve forgotten how to be that girl who knows how to have fun. I lost the balance between the material and the spiritual — and for the first time, it shifted too far toward spirituality. So I decided it’s time to fix that. To bring certain things back into my life — and push all that spiritual enlightenment aside for a while. Sometimes it doesn’t hurt to be a bad girl.

I’m not going back to alcohol or drugs — I’ve had more than enough of that in my life. But sex… that’s something I need to bring back. I can feel how its absence has affected me — not in a good way. I used to think that regular orgasms could replace sex with a man without any real loss, but it seems I was wrong. I feel like it has negatively impacted every area of my life. I can’t even fully explain how — it’s just a feeling, an intuition. I didn’t even notice how seven months had passed since the last time I had sex. It wasn’t intentional abstinence — it just happened. I changed. I stopped being accessible. And somehow, I pushed everyone away.

I think it’s time to step back into the game. Sometimes, to change your life, all it takes is changing something small — like a butterfly effect. By bringing the physical back into my life, shifts will start to unfold in other areas too. Step by step, I’ll move closer to what I want. I just need to start somewhere. The old pattern no longer works — it has run its course. It’s time to move forward.