The Thin Line Between Closeness and Distance

I believe nothing in our lives happens by chance; every event holds a particular meaning, and everything that happens to us has significance. Often, we don’t reflect on the real reasons behind certain events, yet the universe always speaks to us if we're willing to listen.

Recently, a guy reached out to me. I met him during my trip to Hawaii last year, where we spent a couple of nights together. After I left, neither he nor I kept in touch—it was merely a vacation romance. Nearly seven months passed, and suddenly, he messaged me. There wasn't anything particularly special about the message; the significance lay elsewhere.

Following Honolulu, I had no romantic or sexual encounters for half a year—I didn't even go on dates. I completely closed myself off. Even when I eventually started seeing people again, going on dates, I remained distant. Truth be told, I've always struggled with allowing people close. Even in situations involving intimacy, my steadfast rule remained: I sleep alone in my own bed. This boundary was constructed long before Honolulu.

So when this "boy"—and yes, boy is appropriate because when we met he wasn’t even 21—messaged me, it brought memories flooding back from my vacation and illuminated something significant.

The second time we met, I invited him to stay overnight with me in my hotel room. I genuinely wanted that; he awakened feelings deeply buried within me, feelings few people have ever triggered. As bittersweet as it is, thus far only those with whom there is no future have stirred such emotions. These feelings aren’t love; I wouldn’t even call it attraction. It’s something different, more like a profound connection with a person, one that could potentially grow into something greater if a future together were possible. I've experienced attraction before, but this specific kind of connection is rare—I can count these moments on one hand.

This seemingly insignificant encounter made me realize that my rule about sleeping alone was merely a convenient excuse for situations lacking this deep connection, even if there was physical attraction. For me, attraction alone isn’t enough to build anything beyond friendship. What I truly crave is this profound feeling—the desire to fall asleep and wake up beside someone. It’s an uncontrollable emotion that emerges instantly, even before knowing anything substantial about the person. Therefore, there's no blame when this feeling doesn't arise.

Of course, this is merely my subjective perspective, and others might disagree. I'm simply sharing my feelings and experiences. My blog is the only place where I can express my thoughts in such depth. Typically, I speak very little, preferring not to burden others with lengthy stories. Often, out of politeness, people might not admit they're disinterested. I've experienced that myself, quietly wondering, “Why am I hearing this?” but staying silent out of courtesy. Here, if someone feels similarly, they can simply close the page rather than endure a story they find uninteresting.